my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
