Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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