Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
