I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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