This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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