I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
