I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
