nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
