I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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