o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
