Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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