We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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