im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
