I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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