Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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