i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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