The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
