i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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