I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
