This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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