the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
