Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
