I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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