in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You did what with his pubic hair?
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