I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
