I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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