apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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