The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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