a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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