The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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