I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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