I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
