I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
