I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
