Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
