so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
