I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
