I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
