I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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