If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
