Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
