is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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