Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
