lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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