Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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