the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
