My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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