tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
