at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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