Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
