I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize