she looked like the before picture.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Randomize
