There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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