I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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