HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
