your thong is hanging out like whoa
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
time to smoke my breakfast
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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