The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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