u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
