$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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