Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
